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Happiness wasn't impossible, it just took time.


These pictures were from the first time I really felt happy leaving the house without Malcolm at 7-8 months postpartum. There is so much about PPD+A that makes you curl up and stay at home. For starters, leaving the house with the baby could be terrifying and take more effort than packing to move your home. The threat of him crying uncontrollably, figuring out how to comfortably nurse in public, making sure you have anything baby might need, is too much physical and mental prep when your mind isn’t functioning clearly. And then, if you’re comfortable leaving baby with someone, the set up is different! You’ve gotta make sure you leave all the instructions and then worry the whole time you’re away. So now you finally get a date night or have plans to attend a social event...Aside from just not liking how you look and having no baby friendly clothes to wear because you’ve been in maternity clothes for almost a year, you have nothing to talk about as a SAHM! If I’m being completely honest, I think that was why I hated social things - I used to lead a team, wear suits to work, fix exciting problems for VIPS, know the hottest clubs and restaurants, and feel like I could hold my own in conversations about different topics because I could pay attention to current events. Now I had nothing worthy of talking about except nap schedules and the fact that I was tired. I was uninteresting and unattractive. I was so focused on trying to keep us both alive that I couldn’t remember birthdays until I’d missed them, to send thank you’s until months later (even though I was so grateful), or what was happening in my loved ones’ lives. I was lonely, but I just wanted to be alone. I wanted to be outside and see human life, but not have to talk to anyone. I bailed on plans right and left. Not with the intention leaving people hanging - the old me truly wanted to be social like I was in my old life, but it didn’t fit where I was at in this one. Honestly, it took too much mental clarity that I didn’t have. Did anyone else feel the same way in their early postpartum days? I think this stems beyond PPD+A, but that definitely heightened all those things for me.

Still breastfeeding meant I had to bring a bag big enough to fit my hand pump in for easy expressing in between events. Thankful to be with friends who were fine with my taxi sessions.
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